The Stories We Tell
If instructions are given to anyone in the community which seem too burdensome, or even impossible, then the right thing is to accept the order in the spirit of uncomplaining obedience.
This process of reflection upon passages from Benedict’s teachings has been nourishing beyond what I could have imagined. I begin by contemplating the passage, turning inward to find a personal vantage point from which to reflect and learn. Then comes the task of articulating my understanding on paper. That leads to deeper reflection, as my blind spots and inconsistencies are revealed by the black words on the white page. After a period of some internal disruption and re-organization, an essay emerges. Sounds excruciating you say? Yes. Excruciating in its demand for honesty, vulnerability, and surrender to Truth. Excruciatingly beautiful.
The internal inconsistencies inside each of us are known in Buddhism as delusions. These are the stories we tell ourselves that are fed by greed and aversion. When we don’t examine our delusions, then we live from a blind spot. We believe that what we want and don’t want is real. This blind ignorance keeps turning the great wheel of suffering.
In this passage, Benedict turns our attention toward ignorance of delusions. He gives us a tip. Does something seem utterly impossible? Probably you are caught in the delusion that you are right, that you are in charge. You are ignorant of the path to awakening; to put down the burden of greed and hate and accept how things are.
I speak from experience, as I have been grappling with ignorance, rooted in a fervent belief that a difficult life situation was an impossible burden. Here is the story I tell myself…. and I was sticking to it! I WILL be successful professionally, personally and relationally, as defined by rigid parameters. I WILL be strong, healthy and consistently vital in pursuit of this success. And, my family members WILL also be successful in this way. Perhaps you can see the greed and the hate in this delusion. There is ignorance here, too, as this familiar story continues to run me and make me suffer.
Last year, the impossible happened. My child became quite ill. The success story fell apart. Completely. How could I bear this? My child was suffering, and I could NOT accept what life had brought her way, my way. I vacillated between hope and despair, anger and sadness. I cried a lot. I also meditated consistently, and various delusions running my show were revealed. I was able to let go of some stories about parenting, about control.
But the deep anguish continued, and I was at a loss for how to address this suffering and this essay topic. I had some vague understanding of why things were impossible to accept, so I wrote one draft, which was returned. You are still caught, said my teacher. Find out what you are still clinging to.
With my teacher’s help, and a writing deadline to hold me, I turned toward the teachings and toward silent sitting. Like a spade in the spring dirt, practice began to let light and fresh air into the compacted ground of my habits. I saw that my child’s inability to hold up my delusional success story was a great threat to me. The “I” that is caught in the ignorance of success had been busted.
It is good news that life gave me a situation that was impossible to accept. It has helped me to see once again that suffering IS delusion, rooted in ignorance. This is the task of awakening; an ongoing effort to turn the hard soil of blindness and root out the false beliefs so that uncomplaining acceptance of how things are can flourish in soil enriched by awareness, watered with a desire to end our suffering and the suffering of all.
Author: Getsu San Ku Shin
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