Blocked by Desires?
Practice Being Silent
“As to pursuing our own will we are warned against that when scripture says to us: Turn away from your desires; and in the Lord’s Prayer itself we pray that his will may be brought to fulfillment in us.”
Benedict advises to turn away from our desires. He says, “Scripture teaches us that anyone who claims a high position will be brought low and anyone who is modest in self-appraisal will be lifted up.”
For St. Benedict, pursuing prideful desires may make you exalted for a moment, but it will be the humble, those who surrender to God, who will be exalted eternally.
For me, living with humility means surrendering to the precepts and the knowing faith I have uncovered in myself.
I continue to examine silence in today’s reflection because practicing silence and living with humility are inextricably linked. Also, my teacher has pointed me in this direction.
In my reflection last week, I wrote about various things I do to move towards more silence, to incorporate it into my daily practice. Those activities are useful. I do them, though, because it made sense to me after much consideration. They are born mostly from my mind, my intellect. They reveal I am trying to get my arms around silence and make it happen. This is not a bad thing, but I have much more to do. I do not yet long for silence as a way to uncover more, to deepen my knowing faith.
Why not?
Because I do not wish to surrender everything to spiritual work. I am blocked because I still have strong desires for my small self. When Christ said give up everything and follow me, he meant everything. I do not want to give up looking good, especially to those I love. It is vanity that I have been aware of for a long time. But, I have not grasped how important it is to me or how it distances me from the precepts. As Benedict might say, I want to be exalted for a moment. My desire to look good, to be exalted for a moment reveals a clinging to my own existence. I am unable to accept the impermanence of all things, especially myself.
This is ignorance and delusion. Buddha said one of the three marks of existence is impermanence. It is indisputable, but so hard to accept. So, I cling to my existence. I strive to be somebody that someone else can love. And I perform in order to get it. I use my words, actions, and conversation with others.
I will be unable to live with humility, to surrender to the precepts, unless I can let go of my desire to look good. There are three things I can do to start.
First, bring greater attention and effort to being silent….and restraint…. followed by investigation and contemplation. Roll up my sleeves.
Second, continue to work with my teacher. Her words drew sharp attention to this tendency and pointed me in this direction.
Third, continue my daily practice of copying the Bible. Christ makes it clear through his parables and teachings to his disciples that we must turn our attention to the kingdom of heaven in making our way through the world of men. This helps me so much to focus on the why of what I am doing.
In St. Luke, Chapter 17, verses 20-21, Christ is asked about the kingdom of God.
“And being asked by the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come? he answered them and said: The kingdom of God cometh not with observation: Neither shall they say: Behold here or behold there. For lo, the kingdom of God is within you.”
If I am to live with humility, my work lies within, in the silence.
Author: Zhong Fen li Bao yu Di
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