February 28th – Winter Retreat

It’s Difficult to Be Faithful

 

“No one should aspire to gain a reputation for holiness. First of all, we must actually become holy; then there would be some truth in having a reputation for it. The way to become holy is faithfully to fulfill God ‘s commandments every day by loving chastity, by hating no one, by avoiding envy and hostile rivalry, by not becoming full of self but showing due respect for our elders and love for those who are younger, by praying in the love of Christ for those who are hostile to us by seeking reconciliation and peace before the sun goes down whenever we have a quarrel with another, and finally by never despairing of the mercy of God.”

Benedict says the way to become holy is “faithfully to fulfill God’s commandments…” He goes on to list the commandments. For me, living faithfully is to study the precepts and follow them. I also use them as tools to help me study myself…. how I get distracted with wanting things in this material world.

To be faithful is difficult. What makes faithfulness difficult: inattention, impatience, and my frustration that I cannot order my small self into being faithful.

One of the precepts says, “I vow not to praise self at the expense of others.” In my professional life, I praised myself over others most days. I often considered political opponents to be bad people rather than people with different interests or a different perspective. I developed a strong tendency to place myself above them. I train now to grind down this tendency.

Since last summer, I have built a trellis as recommended in an early chapter of Benedict’s Dharma. A trellis supports a climbing plant as it grows skyward. I have built mine of daily meditation, silence, solitude, chanting, writing, and study. My teacher is the center post. The particular parts of my trellis may change. Whatever I choose just needs to help hold me upright and faithful. In this case, it needs to help me see my self-praise and restrain it.  Each morning, I meditate, chant, write, and read in order to pay better attention. It has helped me notice that self-praise arises whenever I offer opinions. The thrust of my job was to offer opinions and convince others. This tendency is harmful in the context of my personal relationships. My opinions often denigrate others and elevate myself. The self-praise embedded in my opinions also leads to violating other precepts, like grasping to take credit, harboring ill will, and speaking without kindness or compassion. My daily morning work helps me more clearly see what is going on, so I can let go….in this case to let go of my need to offer my opinions.

I do the rituals and work with the precepts each morning because they are useful only if I spend time with them, soak in them.

Later in the day, I copy the New Testament. I have become interested in Christ, primarily through art. His example of surrender and living without fear have grabbed hold of me.  Copying the New Testament each day also helps me to pay full attention. Christ repeatedly speaks of “moving through the world of men with one’s eyes on the kingdom of heaven.” His words are like looking into still, clear water. They let me glimpse what lies deeper. I also carry with me the image of an El Greco painting. It depicts the moment when Christ said farewell to his mother in anticipation of his betrayal and death on the cross. When I saw it, I understood surrender and began to move towards it.

My work with the Bible resulted from a knowing faith that has emerged in me…. that I am more than this body, this mind, these thoughts, and this moment. I have not had this knowing faith very long. It is new. But it is there and it grows. I don’t force myself to think about it. It arose from my practice onto a trellis, and grows skyward.

With the trellis and the knowing faith that has taken root in my heart, may I let go of the non-essential and faithfully embrace the precepts.